


The Morning After the Night Before

by DeltaS



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:01:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7360621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeltaS/pseuds/DeltaS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love *can* be an addiction... <br/>(A sequel to "How Do You Like to Be Kissed?" and sort of a prequel to the episode, "Alice")</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Morning After the Night Before

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written and posted October 1999

Was it always like this… had this ever happened before to her? It had been such a long time, like so many memories of a life long past, leaving only ephemeral images -- dreams that disappeared upon awakening, or wisps of transient sensations occurring at the least expected time. She really couldn’t remember what it had been like before… with Mark, that night before she left Earth almost six (or was it sixty?) years ago.

She smiled her greetings to the bridge crew as she walked the short distance from the opening doors of the turbolift to her command post. Seven hours ago – that’s all it had been. For all the time they had had to prepare for the inevitability of that moment, neither had thought ahead enough to anticipate the consequences of their actions. Now – how would each of them react, as they faced each other on this, the morning after the night before?

It had been 0300 when Chakotay went back to his quarters. A work session that had casually led to a simple question. That question opened the floodgates that had been damming back the surging emotions, emotions that had been stockpiling ever since that fateful day of their first encounter. A simple question that had led to a casual kiss; and a kiss that had led them eventually to an outpouring of raw, absolute desire, so long denied and sublimated within them. Six years of disavowal of the emotions that drew them together and pushed them apart, now being revealed in six delirious hours last night. Now that they had finally found each other, they were reluctant to deny themselves any longer; but both decided that for decorum’s sake, they should at least make a pretense of normality.

But what *was* normal now? There she stood, ready to take her seat beside him… the same places they had occupied for all their time together. There he was – only a few feet away from her; but, for all that it mattered, he could have been a thousand light years away. She wanted to touch him… hold him… breath in the musky odor of his body… taste the salt of his skin… become one with him yet again. She couldn’t look at him; was he looking at her? She burned as if his eyes were carving her with a laser torch. He might as well – last night, he had carved ever ounce of resistance out of her.

When she had gotten up from the few hours of twilight sleep that she experienced after he left, she had fixed herself coffee -- just coffee – to start her day. She looked at the cup, half drunk; many minutes had passed since she had pulled it from the replicator. Did she really need it? Her body was as alive as if she had consumed an entire pot. She had spent extra time in the shower that morning, opting for real water to soothe her body and calm her spirits. But even its therapeutic effects could not quench the rising tides within her. The warm liquid merely aroused latent memories in her body, as she felt long-denied muscles stretching and contracting in sensual rhythm… aching and throbbing with need and desire once more. She washed and scrubbed, with the clinging remains of their lovemaking swirling down the drain. But even as she dressed, the pungency of mingled love hung in a heavy haze around her, wafting with every move she made.

Her eyes were stinging from the lack of sleep; but they were wide and brilliant from the adrenaline rush of her aroused passion. It was almost time for their shift together – THEIR shift together! How many times had that occurred before – with little anticipation of seeing him… just being with him. She looked at herself in the mirror before leaving her quarters – picture perfect as always… except for an adolescent haziness in her eyes, and an idiotic grin that had probably been on her face for hours. Professional, Kathryn; you must remain professional! You are the captain and must set the example. It’s only Chakotay… the ship’s first officer… your loyal advisor and confidant… your lover.

Now they were on the bridge together.

She chanced a glance at him; her earlier suspicions were confirmed. His eyes tracked her every movement as surely as a tight tractor beam. Their eyes merged for one infinitesimal moment; just as quickly, they broke contact to disparage any curious suppositions. *We were too quick in looking away,* she thought. *Surely Tom or Tuvok will guess...*

Her guilty introspection was abruptly interrupted by Tuvok... always Tuvok! Had he been reading her mind... pulling her back to the reality of the bridge? What had he seen... understood? Had he probed into her reverie? What...

"Captain, I am picking up signals from an unknown anomaly on long range scanner."

She turned to respond to the tall Vulcan. "Um... very good, Commander. Uh... can you ...ah... detect anything more?"

Tuvok looked up at her, all business in his expression. "Negative. Only that it appears to be a small vessel. I cannot, at this point, determine if any lifeforms are present, nor its direction."

"Stay on it, Tuvok," she responded. Without looking at Chakotay for confirmation for her actions, she walked over to the op’s conn. "Mr. Kim, what sort of adjustments would we have to make to our course to look into this... anomaly?"

Harry was quickly making calculations. "It might take us about 2 million kilometers off our designated course..."

She gave him a cognitive nod. That’s what she *would* do... under normal circumstances... wouldn’t she? Of course she would! Careful now, Kathryn; next you would talk with Tom...

"Tom, use Harry’s calculations and make the necessary course adjustments," she ordered briskly.

"Yes, ma’am," came Tom’s standard reply, turning back to the helm. "One anomaly coming up!"

*Good,* she thought. *It’s normal. I sounded... normal. But I’m far from normal. Now... I must go over to my place... and I must address him. Yes... that’s what I should do... easy now, Kathryn; casual... smile...*

He spoke first. "Good morning, Captain." His eyes were trying to keep the heated emotion in check.

"Good morning, Commander," she answered back icily. *No... that wasn’t right,* she thought. *Why would I be answering him like that? How do I redeem the tone now?* She quickly glanced around her; it appeared that no one had noticed the tone. *Don’t be so sensitive,* she thought, shaking her head.

He was grinning at her, knowing what she was thinking. She could feel her control disappearing... that look... the look she had seen so many times... now caused a fire in her. I’ve got to sit down before my legs give way. In one inelegant move, she plopped into her conn chair.

Her face was becoming flushed as anger rose within her. Anger with herself. Anger with her reaction to him. Anger with his reaction to her. *See, this is just the reason I knew we shouldn’t... become involved. See what is happening to us when we are on duty? We can’t separate the two factions of our lives so easily. It interferes with duty... and concentration... and focus. And God knows... I’m having a difficult time with focus! This is only supposed to happen when you are young; I’m well beyond that now! Focus, Kathryn; focus! This was a problem I had with Justin, so many long years ago... but I can’t remember it with Mark. I was always so... in control with Mark. Maybe it did happen with Mark... I just don’t remember. Oh, yes... now I know why Starfleet discourages this sort of relationship. And... maybe... maybe... that’s why the emotion is so strong -- we’re delighting in the forbidden; we’re breaking the rules...*

The everyday buzz and banter of the bridge sang around her. He had gone over to the helm to check the course adjustments with Tom. Her eyes scanned the other people on the bridge. Only Harry’s eyes met hers and he smiled back at her. *He knows,* she thought, her heart racing and her palms getting wet and clammy. *They all know; they must...*

She got up, starting to walk over to join him and Tom but acknowledging to herself that she would be better off alone. *Reports to do... in my ready room. Yes, that’s what I’ll do,* she thought, relishing the numbing business of daily work. She looked up and announced, to no one in particular but the bridge as a whole, "I’ll be on my ready room."

Chakotay turned from the helm and caught up with her. "Kathryn..." he whispered.

All of the moments of the night before spun across her consciousness -- his lips, his hands, his body... each separately, then entwined into a fluidic oneness...no beginning, no ending. All of the moments and touches and actions became a cataclysmic collage, whirling in a looping replay in her mind. *Just looking at him... hearing him speak her name... throws my body into paroxysms of indefinable spasms. I can’t have this... I can’t... I can’t...*

She sidestepped off her path, trying to break his hypnotic grasp. She turned and walked closer to Paris, who looked up at her. An unbidden expression crossed his face as he looked at her, predatory and knowing, like an alpha wolf sniffing the air, sensing the involuntary release of rich pheromones. Silent and potent; inviting and seductive; consuming and lethal.

"Captain?" Tom Paris queried. His face softened as comprehension played across his face. He shot a brief sideward glance at Chakotay, whose eyes had never left her --- following, caressing her... wrapping invisible tendrils around her. Paris’s smile broadened, as he winked at her and repeated the previous single addressing word, now as an understanding statement, "Captain."

Her faced became flushed, and then darkened as she realized that he knew. Horror shadowed her face, but Paris merely nodded in acknowledgment of a relationship finally righted. *I’ve got to get to my ready room,* she thought, as she fumbled with her steps that took her there. Chakotay’s eyes still followed her, as he moved back to the command area, watching as the doors closed behind her.

She breathed deeply of the cool air in her sanctuary... her inner sanctum. Relief! No more eyes... no more temptations. She walked over to the replicator and called up coffee, but quickly changed it to tea before it materialized. No, she didn’t need any more stimulation, thank you. Her body needed to be calmed. She wrapped her hands around the steaming mug and walked over to her desk, willing herself into a more calm, disciplined state.

Warm... the mug was warm. Her hands were warm, just like they had been last night. Warmed all the more as she ran her hands down his body, gaining warmth from the bronzed firmness of his torso... his legs... his buttocks. Warm wetness as he anointed her with his lips and his tongue... as they joined in a long delayed and denied union...

No, Kathryn... work! You need to work! You need to get beyond this crazy obsession! Concentrate! Yes... concentrate. You know that today you feel better, more rested, than you have felt in months. And with so little sleep... no, there wasn’t much sleep, she thought with a knowing smile. You just must get over this initial phase... this addictive, hormone-driven initial stage... settle down into a more sedate, established routine.

So that’s it. Accept it and allow it to continue. And move on. Of course... as soon as it gets to be all part of the normal, everyday part of their routine lives, it would be better. Get over the adrenaline surge. As the novelty of it wears off, it won’t be as bad; won’t be as obvious. We’ll get to that "comfortable as an old shoe" stage, when a conversation can be more banter than passion... when we can use the fire to sustain the warmth rather than feed the flames. That’s it... I’ve just got to get myself past this emotional high; it’s as bad as when I was depressed! Is it going to hurt when it leaves?

Chakotay... are you feeling this, too? Or, is it anticlimactic after your long wait? Does your head feel light, as if it were in another galaxy? Are you replaying the magic of those moments last night... the feeling of blessed relief of release after all these years... or am I just another of the in and out entities that have paraded through the path of your affections here in the Delta Quadrant?

Last night... this morning... whenever it was that you left... you said that this was the beginning of the rest of our lives... did you mean it? Each time you called my name last night, it was like hearing you say it the first time... softly, supplicating... as if you were summoning a sainted spirit. That’s what you are to me... my saving grace... my sanity... my healer.

A stern voice reached out to her: *Kathryn, get a grip. We’ve got an anomaly to identify... a possible leak in the warp core... a new shuttlecraft to inspect... program modifications in the EMH... you have enough work to fill the next twenty hours. Concentrate... concentrate...* But, she had become addicted and like any addict, she needed her "fix". She needed to feel his hands on her pleading skin... taste his mouth consuming hers... feel his need that could only be satisfied by her own. Just once more... then I can handle the day.

One hand was already unfastening her jacket, as the other one activated her commbadge. In a wavering voice that she hoped would not betray her urgency, she managed to summon him.

"Commander Chakotay, I would like to see you in my ready room." The word ‘now’ was not necessary; it hung heavily, unspoken, over every word in her request.

The first officer answered, "On my way." He arose from the conn, hoping not to betray any suspicion in the others. "Mr. Tuvok, the bridge is yours." He walked towards the doors of her private area. His head felt light... spinning... as his body reacted to the sound of her voice... that beautiful voice!.. as his body was focusing its need elsewhere...

It had begun...

~*~

The "whoosh" of the closing doors of her ready room briefly swept away the cobwebs entangling his mind. Their momentary motion caused a sobering vortex of cool motion in the air in the room, a room suddenly warmed by two radiating bodies, now inches apart.

"Kathryn..." he whispered as their arms found each other... arms that now felt empty and bereft without their bodies anchoring each other... bodies and souls that had been adrift in the turbulent tossings of the sea of their relationship. If bodies were their anchors, then their mouths were the dockings on the moor, preventing their drifting away from safe harbor.

After moments of reveling in the sweetness of each other’s nearness, the lovers pulled away, breathing in short, desperate gulps, the depths of their eyes holding them together ... eyes which revealed the naked desire long buried within them.

He stood there, his gaze burrowing into her... peeling back layer and layer of concealing covering... seeing a new softness and vulnerability with each new level. His smile came slowly... she was always beautiful to him, but never to the degree he saw now. The chilling brilliance of was blazing and inviting : a summer sunrise... an October moon... the sands of the Great Desert on Dorvan V. And she was inviting him... only him... to this holy of holies that she had veiled off even from herself.

Her face burned his hands with her fierce inner fire... fire he knew was there that time when their fingertips touched on New Earth... fire that had heated only to be snuffed out, leaving her as just another body; fire that leapt from her fingertips to his... fire from which the Ancient Warrior had saved a spark deep within himself, hoping to someday be allowed to fan the embers alive once more... fire that last night had sprung to life again, gently fed with the tinder of tender kisses, growling slowly to the raging flames that refused to die down, and even now... begging for ignition again... each of them aching for the sanctifying heat.

*Slowly... slowly...* he told himself. *This time, it is too precious to be hurried.*

Her eyes closed, her breathing slowed, as she lost herself in the comfort and care that his arms conveyed. So long... so long since he first wanted to touch her... to feel the softness of her face... to delight in the feathered freckles on her cheeks... to experience the surge of the flow of blood through her. Her face... elegant and fragile under the bulk of his coarse hand... cheekbones with the sharp, delicate curves of a porcelain figurine... withstanding the extreme heat of command, but fragile enough to fracture with a wrong touch. He raised his thumb to her cheek, to dare to touch this holy ground... this treasure that was his Kathryn... this woman for whom he knew he was meant.

She startled with the unexpected touch, her eyes flitting open, her mouth startled into a tiny "O’ of wonderment. She sank into his caress... one which he wanted to keep gentle... knowing that that anything else in contrast to the softness of her face was crude. unrefined... clumsy. Her face softened with his touch, becoming radiant and glowing with his gentle strokes. Reaching up, she took his thumb and lowered it to her lips... seemingly thin and drawn, but yet sumptuous and full with love and life... sweet lips now opening and drawing his massive thumb into the lushness of her mouth... sensations segueing into vivid memories of his fullness swallowed by her softness... an invitation back to the sensual dance of their bodies in the semi-darkness of last night.

He heard himself, but wondered at the animalistic groan that was the sound. *No... I don’t want us to become so base as to just give in to our desires,* he thought... yet every nerve ending in his body was raw with just that. He wanted to toss off all responsibility... forget that they were only a few meters away from a dozen people, all pursuing the orders which he and she had given them... duty which now called *him*, just as it had her for so long... duty that they could not... should not ignore. But the drug of their desire was coursing through his veins as strongly as it was hers... the only people that even existed in the entire galaxy were within the walls of this room.

Was she really starting to take off his jacket?... he had just realized that hers was already off when he got into the room. Slowly she rolled the thick fabric off of his shoulders, rolling it smoothly down his arms... tugging at the anxious resistance of his bulky hands. The heavy cloth was suddenly stifling him... preventing him from responding to her. He. grabbed the offending material... brusquely jerking it off... the friction of his impatient move burning his flesh... flesh only she could cool. Her hands were now raking through his thick hair, displacing the strands... delighting in its rich thickness... luxuriating in the fullness of its texture... pleasuring in the control she had over him... using it to bring him to her.

His lips seeking the small area just to the back of her shoulder... the spot that he knew would fill her with chills that clashed with her heat... chills that brought an uncontrolled weakness to her. Her sighs signaling to him that he had succeeded in his goal; he felt her legs lose some balance. He quickly offset her shakiness by moving a hand to brace her... firmly supporting her by a hold in the small of her back. His lips trailed to her ear... stopping to nibble the tender flesh of her lobe before murmuring into her ear. Once more... he was sinking into the softness that was Kathryn... all that she was and would be. Every touch, every smile, every laugh... spinning around him... exhilarating him. The colors... the sparks... the light... all were Kathryn... his Kathryn! It had always been her; no other faces or bodies or beings had ever been with him before. Even before he knew her, it was her... the promise of her calling to him... beguiling him... enthralling him. Burnished glimmers of gold in her hair... seductive smiles... graceful fingers... laughing eyes... had been there, all along. And he knew that one day he would discover the key to her heart.

**Kathryn... my Kathryn... I have always been here for you; you only had to reach out. What has caused you to only now realize this inevitability?*

Lips seeking lips... gestures long forbidden... still forbidden but unheeded... need and desire obliterating all else: duty, pledges, rules... all flung into the incidental footnotes of their lives. Motions merging into destinies... theirs and all with whom they honored and lived and loved... sexual but spiritual... sensual but ethereal... for they had been.. and were now... and would be forever. Emotions extinguished by the flesh now ignited by flesh... desire subjugated by resolution now surfacing by love.

*I thank the spirits for whatever brought you to this point.* Words whispering prayerfully in thanksgiving through the tangled twining of his thoughts... thoughts that were only of how he could show her that his love had been from before they existed... predestined by whatever divine power ruled the universe... bringing them to this precipice of their eternities.

Even as their mouths and hands and flesh pledged this infinite bond to each other, his mind searched for the reasons... how... why... now. Sins and lovers and trysts from the past were nothing... he knew now that he had always been searching... testing... hunting... for her... only her. The now was what had always been and always would be... the sweet passion of last night... flooding him once more. Soft and loving... grasping and passionate... consoling and fulfilling... filling and throbbing... his dreams and fantasies thrown to distant galaxies by the reality that was Kathryn.

Anticipation and imagination of what it could be like diminished in reality... sensations so magnificent, so overwhelming. A lifetime of preparation, culminated in perfect ecstasy... their bodies eager and expecting each other... their bodies meant for each other. Willing and accepting, she embraced him as he offered his gift of love to her; demanding and possessing, she drew him further into her. Together they became lost in the newness that was them. More... he wanted to give her more... he could never give her enough. For every measure she received, she gave back... woman to man; man to woman... lover and beloved... reaching for the unattainable... until in one explosive moment... they became all that could ever be... the ultimate primal experience of being a man and a woman.

Silence... stillness... and then a rebirth of the forbidden passion... their lives changed forever.

Had she dreamt of him all these years as he had of her? Were her nights endless with thoughts of what might have been of those few weeks on New Earth? Did her heart and body ache with unfulfilled desire? Many times he had thought he heard strangled sobs of denied fulfillment coming from her quarters... yet knowing that the areas were soundproofed well and that it was only his hopes and dreams of similar agonies from within her. Memories of long voids of the soul... remembrances of hurtful words... hateful words... words meant to deny the deeper desires that seared their very beings. Love forbidden, therefore buried by opposite reactions.

Had she felt what he had felt last night... a beginning and an ending... fulfillment of an eternal dream... joy with the celebration of their togetherness... sorrow at the loss of expectancy. The gift she gave him would be his forever; was his small offering enough for her? Kathryn... Kathryn... her name was now a mantra for his salvation. Thoughts of her... made strong from his inner being... filling him with peace. Memories of her now and before and yet to come.

*Oh, Kathryn -- your passion betrays you... your vehemence always vanquishing your love. When did you realize what truly burned within you? When did you sense that longing for completion... that neither of us could live fully as a whole being without the other? I have been here all along... by your side... loving you... needing you... completing you. Now that you have stepped outside of the constrictions of those parameters you circumscribed for us... will you... can you... ever go back? Regret... repent... contrition... so often the offspring of consummations such as ours... do you feel any of these? Or are your heart and soul soaring with the spirits of the universe?

Ah... but do I really need you to answer that? You... here in my arms, my life... my love! You... drinking of my very being just as I thirst for yours. You... soft and tender... eager and willing... you... new and young and lovely --- all that I could ever want or ever need. Never again will we ache with the emptiness that existed within us... waiting for this very time... this very moment... when the puzzle would be completed.... consummation of our spirits as well as our flesh... sealing us for all eternity. Our bodies are mortal means of expressing this deepest commitment... this covenant of souls. The heat and passion of our physical beings serves only to refine and forge the final state of our being... a heat that has needed the fuel of these years... allowed to grow gradually, so as not to destroy the final product... a heat that even now calls us to cast and shape the molten alloy of our beings.

Do you feel it, Kathryn? Can you sense that we are not our own in this... that what we are becoming is for a greater purpose? Ah, my dear and wonderful Kathryn... even on that fateful day so many years ago, a strange stirring within me when I first saw you haunted me with unimaginable secrets and promises... all gradually unfolding into the fullness of now. Did you feel that, too? Have you been so frightened by being consumed by such power... of loss of control?*

As if in answer to all of his unspoken questions, her arms and hands entwined him... her small body leaned into him... as if she wanted nothing more than to become a single entity with him... completing that action that had begun so many years ago as their fates were thrown together. The fiery fervor emanating from her eyes, piercing him to unknown, unfathomed depths... snaring him and pulling him into her once again. And he allowed himself to be captivated by her, although she did not know that that she had already done so... long ago, in a distant part of the Delta Quadrant... no, that she had entranced him long before that... even before they ever were.

He knew that she knew that what they were doing now, even now, was forbidden. Here... in the room where they had had so many past conversations... discussions... tirades about what should or shouldn’t be done in the line of duty... about relationships that were or had been... about the right and wrong.. about rules that should not be broken. Here... in this very room... some of the most cruel words of their relationship had been uttered... words that created bitter schisms, separating them for weeks... strong, stinging words from two passionate people who did not yet perceive the source of that passion.

Ah, but she knew now... no longer could she hold it off, nor did it seem she wanted to! A wicked smile evolved on his face as her hands, now stretched around him, sought the firm roundness of his buttocks... this woman whose unleashed desire had taken control of her... of them. This woman whom he knew, once ignited, would try to consume both of them... who, even now, had only to say the word and he would face all of the demons of the universe to preserve her and love her... Kathryn... his Kathryn!

They were moving but not moving, unknown music providing the rhythm for their dance... bodies moving in tandem motion, their feet never seeming to lift from the floor. As they glided along their path, their hands found countless chores to perform, each one providing a new discovery... struggling and tugging with suffocating garments... hands hungry for the feel of warm flesh... waiting flesh... wanting flesh... flesh wanting flesh. Aching necessity... demanding desire... pressing them onward by the wild beast unleashed within each of them... needing to be tamed but resisting control... once caged, now released; once subjugated, now restored. Pouncing... grasping... devouring... unable to stop what had been started... knowing that their freedom from responsibilities would be brief. Putting years into moments... months into seconds... never enough... never again enough!

*No... we shouldn’t... we shouldn’t,* he thought, hearing all of her unspoken vows of the past. *Not here, not now...* yet he was all too willing to have her lead him in the forbidden actions. Smiling again... knowing that she was the captain... that she knew best... after all, that’s what she had told him in so many ways so many times. A trail of jackets and jerseys followed them, remaining garments struggling to follow their demise.

A cacophony of chaos and discord... the clangor of the klaxon calling them back to reality and responsibility. Hands that only seconds ago were full of heated hunger now becoming coldly methodical, precise... orderly... reassembling the professional semblances of the captain and first officer of Voyager.

The last remnants of their intoxication disappear, sobriety returning as the doors open onto the bridge being bathed in the alternating dimness and red glow summoned by Tuvok’s staccato order: "Red alert!"

"Report," Janeway orders, suddenly grateful for the abrupt urgency... thankful that there would be no time for inquisitive stares or comments.

Tuvok gives his brief report, even as he glides away from the command console, bequeathing command to the two senior officers... two people now functioning... living... moving as one... reading each other’s mind and motions... breathing and existing with each other’s spirit and being.

"Hostile?" Chakotay asks of Tuvok, not waiting for her... knowing that they are now a single entity. Their eyes meet in a transitory glance, acknowledging that their bonding is complete: physical and emotional and mental... and that they -- and Voyager -- will be all the better for it.

"On screen," she orders, knowing that whatever awaits them this time... that neither of them will ever be alone again.

 

~~ FINIS ~~


End file.
